It's been a long time.

So I realize that it's been over a month since I've written here. I hold myself responsible for pushing it back farther and farther on the priority list until it was out of my mind completely. Honestly, I couldn't care less if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like I owe it to myself to get my thoughts out of my head.

All I think about is my weight, my appearance, my health, and my mistakes involving these three facets of my being. I immediately regret every small mistake that I make, and even when I do the right thing, I end up kicking myself because I wish I would have done the right thing years ago. I could write a book just based on the regrets that I have about my own life, and I'm only 23 years old. I wish I would have been more giving and less selfish with the people I love. I wish I were more open with my friends and family, and more willing to accept help when help is offered. I wish I would have made better choices about my diet and activity level  growing up, so I wouldn't feel so terrible now. I wish that the guilt of all these mistakes I've made didn't constantly tear me apart. I wish that I always felt as confident as I act.

Most of all, I wish that making changes were less difficult. I went into this thinking that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything I wanted, and that I would magically end up where I want to be. Truth be told, I'm completely lost. I feel like I'm constantly swimming toward a shore that I can always see, but never reach. I have never felt this desperate or lonely in all my life. I'm not just talking about my appearance; I sometimes feel that I'm someone who no one really wants to be around if they had a choice in the matter. I know this isn't 100% true, but the fact that the thought crosses my mind still scares me.

I'm trying to be a better person. That's the bottom line. I wish that the judgment of my quality wasn't based on my weight for some. Nonetheless, it's a fact that my weight factors into my discipline, my self-esteem, and my health. It's easy for me to let things bother me, to make excuses, to give up on myself. I've fallen victim to this way of thinking time and time again.

I can't say definitively that tonight is some big tipping point in my life, that I've found some new clarity and I'll never look back. I will struggle for a long time. I've realized now that I can't struggle alone. No one should have to. I've found a couple support groups that help me when I'm feeling down, such as OA.org. I want to write here more, since it seems to help me focus and clear my head of distractions. If you see me struggling, all I ask is that you understand. If you see me doing well, I'm probably still struggling inside, and I ask that you understand this too. I'm trying to be better in every aspect of my life, but the measure of my success is yet to come.

-Chris

Fresh start

Hey everyone, just posting because I can't sleep right now. I got done with a pretty fast-paced bike ride a couple hours ago, and I guess I'm still hyped up from it. Good news, I've lost a pound this week. Progress is slow, but I hope to keep it really active this coming week.

I recently moved into a house with a friend of mine. The move took almost all weekend with multiple trips. Lots of moving furniture and boxes in 80+ degree heat makes for a good calorie burn. I still don't feel fully settled yet, but I'm sure that will come with time. I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't let any unhealthy food enter this house, and that I would use this opportunity to help change my routine. 

In all the articles I've read, from magazines to web pages and blogs, there is one consistent message. Weight loss isn't a temporary routine. I will not go back to old habits once I become healthy. Every step I've taken is nothing if I don't continue to follow the guidelines I've set for myself. Raw foods whenever possible, daily exercise, and minimal sedentary activities each day. I feel so blessed that I live in an area where family, nature, and, if I'm being honest, boredom, have been giving me all the motivation I need to get off my butt and work on improving myself. 

More than anything in the world, I want to be the best person that I can. I am lucky to be where I am today, and to have had such an amazing support group around me throughout my life. I'm going to show them that I have what it takes, that I'm not going to let myself fall short of my potential. That's a promise.

What a week

Hey, sorry it's taken so long for me to put up another post. This has been a crazy week for sure. I was all over the place for work, went down to the Alma Highland Festival for the weekend, and worked 12 hours on Memorial Day. Anywho, I'll give a short update on my progress.

My weight seems to be in limbo at the moment. I'll lose a pound or two, then put it back on. I'm currently down two pounds, but it seems to take more effort than I originally planned. The physical activity isn't hard, but sticking to a mostly raw diet definitely has been tough.

I'm planning on moving into my own place soon. I look at it as a way to get a fresh start on my diet and exercise habits. I'll be closer to my work, which means less travel time and more time to exercise and cook healthy options. Also, I may be getting a few drumming gigs within the next month or two. I'll keep everyone posted on that, it'd be great to have people come to the shows if they can make it.

As the busy summer months begin, I hope everyone can stay safe, stay relaxed, and stay active. I'll do my best to do the same.

Back on track

I am dead tired... and that's a good thing. My ankle is feeling much better today, and I just finished my P90X workout. Today was chest, shoulders, and triceps, one of my favorites. When I first started P90X, I was disheartened because of how tired it made me. Then I realized that I can choose to be tired because I'm overweight and lazy, or I can be temporarily tired after a workout which eventually gives me more energy. I'm going with option B.


The video I posted is a great source of inspiration for me. I like to listen to it before a tough workout or a long bike ride to fortify my mental toughness. It's definitely worth a listen. 


I've been having a protein shake after each workout, and I definitely notice a difference when it comes to soreness and recovery time. However, I'm not really sure that I'm using the best kind since it's not a major brand, and since there's way too much information on the label of these products for me to decipher. Does anyone know anything about protein who could enlighten me? If so, please hit me up on Facebook or comment below. 


This week is supposed to be beautiful in Northern Michigan, so I'm going to push myself out the door every day to make the most of it. I hope you do the same wherever you are. 

R.I.P. sunglasses...

This has been a traumatic weekend for me. My friend Nate and I took a heck of a kayak trip on Saturday. We went from Wolverine to Indian River on the Sturgeon River, about a 4-hour trip. Of course, I always overestimate my kayaking skill, and I lost my sunglasses 5 minutes in trying to dodge a tree branch. Nate and I spent a few minutes looking (I also went back this morning to look for 15 minutes) but I finally convinced myself that it was too late.


After that fun time on Saturday, I was amped up to golf and bike today, until I rolled my ankle Saturday night just walking. I have always had bad ankles, and nothing is more frustrating than getting hurt the same way on a regular basis. I've been icing and elevating it since, so hopefully I'll be back to it tomorrow. 


In the meantime, I've been messing around with new meal ideas. I love the summer because there's a much greater selection of fresh fruits and vegetables (except my favorite, pomegranate, which apparently decided that summer is too mainstream and only shows up in October). I was cutting up a watermelon today and decided I would try making a watermelon-banana smoothie. DON'T DO THIS!!! It was disgusting. The separate ingredients are fantastic, but combined they are awful. 


Overall, the diet stayed on track this weekend. I wish I could have exercised more, but I'm glad that I skipped because of lack of mobility, not lack of motivation. I think it'll just make me appreciate a healthy ankle all the more! Have a good week everyone.

Always getting better or worse

Hey everyone! I'm going to try and share a funny or interesting picture from time to time. It won't always be relevant, sorry. 


I read an interesting article yesterday that simply stated "Every choice you make will either make you more healthy or less healthy." This really makes sense to me, and it's been on my mind ever since. For example, at work today there were leftover sandwiches from an office party. I told myself that eating one of those would not be as healthy as my usual cucumber and tomato salad. It was also easy to turn it down because I couldn't identify the meat, but still.


So I have a few goals for this weekend. As you may have guessed from the URL I chose, I love to golf, kayak, and bike. I'm going to do each of these things at least once this weekend, with hopefully a couple sessions of P90X mixed in. I find that if I do activities that I enjoy instead of workouts that I find boring, I'm much more likely to do them every day. At first, I didn't think that simply walking while playing golf would be enough to help my weight loss goals. However, if I golf 3-4 times a week and walk as fast as I can between shots, it actually does elevate my heart rate. Mixed in with the awesome lower body workout of biking, and the fun yet challenging upper body workout of kayaking, and I've got myself a pretty fun yet active summer. 


Along with this, I'm going to stick mostly to lean proteins, fruits and vegetables (raw if possible), and whole grains with lots of fiber. I'm sure that being around Grandma's house will put a damper on the perfection of this plan, but anyone who knows my grandma knows that it's a much better idea to overeat than to appear to dislike her cooking :)


Anyway, that's my plan in a nutshell. Eat raw, get active doing the things I love, and think about how each activity is either helping or hurting my fitness goals.


What's your fitness plan? Comment below if you'd like to share.

Keeping myself accountable (260 lbs)

My daily reminder

Hello everyone, this may come as a bit of a shock to you, but I'm new to this whole blogging thing. A few years ago, if you would have told me that one day I'd be starting a blog about weight loss, I would have laughed in your face and grabbed another handful of chips. I realize now that this is exactly what I need to help share my success, my frustrations, my goals, and most importantly... to keep myself accountable for my actions. 


About two years ago, I started thinking about exercise. I had crept up to 250  pounds over the first three years of college, and I felt so awful. Each day was a struggle to complete trivial things without getting winded. Luckily I was still working on the farm at that time, trimming trees and helping haul hay every now and then when it was needed. I also started P90X for the first time, and went on a very casual diet (which basically means I only ate slightly too much as opposed to way too much). By the end of the summer, I was down to 225. I could wear some pairs of jeans that I hadn't fit into since high school, and I felt great.


When I returned to Alma for my senior year, I told myself that things were going to be different, that I had finally learned my lesson. Unfortunately, this small success didn't last, and I got right back into my same old habits. Overeating, laziness, and ignorance on my part caused me to gain all the weight back by graduation. I have to admit, I didn't even keep track of my weight that summer. I convinced myself that if I kept busy with my job, my weight would take care of itself. 


When my 3-month contract for my first job was over and they didn't hire me full-time, I was devastated. Looking back, this is when I should have reached out for support instead of isolating myself and looking to food for comfort. My bad habits got worse, and when I went home for Christmas, I was a whopping 275 pounds. 


I have to credit my family, especially my brother, for finally getting me to wake up, the hard way. I had contemplated the idea of looking at the military since job prospects weren't great. I was told by the military members of my family that I would never be make the cut because of my weight. My brother, who is currently serving in the Army, finally cornered me one day in the house, and asked me whether I wanted to die. I was so upset with myself and my family that I couldn't talk for the rest of the day. Looking back, this was just what I needed to hear (Thanks Kevin!)


I'm sick of the pain in my knees and back when I help on the tree farm. I'm sick of watching my family and friends run marathons, compete in kayak and bike races, and lead fit lifestyles, and having to watch from the sidelines. I'm sick of going into the store to buy pants, only to realize that, no, I'm not a 38, I'm a 42 (try finding 42x30 pants, it's not easy). I'm sick of giving in to temptations only to hate myself later.

Today, I'm changing my life. I weighed in at 260 this morning, which equals 15 pounds of weight loss so far in 2012. That's the heaviest I'm ever going to be again. I have the motivation, I have the knowledge, and I have the support. All I need now is action.