It's been a long time.

So I realize that it's been over a month since I've written here. I hold myself responsible for pushing it back farther and farther on the priority list until it was out of my mind completely. Honestly, I couldn't care less if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like I owe it to myself to get my thoughts out of my head.

All I think about is my weight, my appearance, my health, and my mistakes involving these three facets of my being. I immediately regret every small mistake that I make, and even when I do the right thing, I end up kicking myself because I wish I would have done the right thing years ago. I could write a book just based on the regrets that I have about my own life, and I'm only 23 years old. I wish I would have been more giving and less selfish with the people I love. I wish I were more open with my friends and family, and more willing to accept help when help is offered. I wish I would have made better choices about my diet and activity level  growing up, so I wouldn't feel so terrible now. I wish that the guilt of all these mistakes I've made didn't constantly tear me apart. I wish that I always felt as confident as I act.

Most of all, I wish that making changes were less difficult. I went into this thinking that if I put my mind to it, I could do anything I wanted, and that I would magically end up where I want to be. Truth be told, I'm completely lost. I feel like I'm constantly swimming toward a shore that I can always see, but never reach. I have never felt this desperate or lonely in all my life. I'm not just talking about my appearance; I sometimes feel that I'm someone who no one really wants to be around if they had a choice in the matter. I know this isn't 100% true, but the fact that the thought crosses my mind still scares me.

I'm trying to be a better person. That's the bottom line. I wish that the judgment of my quality wasn't based on my weight for some. Nonetheless, it's a fact that my weight factors into my discipline, my self-esteem, and my health. It's easy for me to let things bother me, to make excuses, to give up on myself. I've fallen victim to this way of thinking time and time again.

I can't say definitively that tonight is some big tipping point in my life, that I've found some new clarity and I'll never look back. I will struggle for a long time. I've realized now that I can't struggle alone. No one should have to. I've found a couple support groups that help me when I'm feeling down, such as OA.org. I want to write here more, since it seems to help me focus and clear my head of distractions. If you see me struggling, all I ask is that you understand. If you see me doing well, I'm probably still struggling inside, and I ask that you understand this too. I'm trying to be better in every aspect of my life, but the measure of my success is yet to come.

-Chris